Losing Sydney
by phoenix shotgun 47
Summary: Vaughn loses Sydney. RR


Title: Losing Sydney  
Author: phoenix shotgun 47 Summary: Just a sad little fic about Vaughn losing Sydney.  
Disclaimer: Alias doesn't belong to me.  
A/N: Many thanks to Jess (Michael Vartan Hottie) at for betaing this.

ooooo

A single letter catches his eyes. There is no return address but he knows her handwriting. He hastily opens it and begins to read.

The first thing he notices is that "_Dear Michael…_" is crossed out and replaced with "_Dear Vaughn…_" only to be crossed out as well. She finally chooses Mr. Vaughn. It breaks his heart that she no longer feels right calling him Vaughn or Michael and that they have resorted to such formality.

_Dear Mr. Vaughn,_

_I am writing this to you as I prepare to leave L.A. forever. I am leaving, and I do not under any circumstances want you to follow me. _

_These last few months have been to hard on you, Lauren, and me._ _I really thought we could make this work, I really did, but it's grown harder and harder over the weeks. You told me once how hard it was for you to sleep when I was out on operations and how every time we were in briefing you had to force yourself to remember what the hell we were talking about. That is exactly how I've felt these past weeks._

_I really don't think that I can live anymore. Not like this. I've lost my soul._

_My dad was the one who suggested that I leave. And I was happy he did because that what I wanted: to get away from what I can't have. So, I'm headed to an undisclosed location to begin my new life as something other than a spy. My final request is that you don't follow me and that you don't try to find me._

_So we can both be happy_

That is how she closes the letter. It is brief and he wonders why. "_So we can both be happy_" That is the last thing she wishes to say to him. But there is so much more he wants to do. He wants to hold her, to kiss her, to tell her exactly how much he misses and loves her. He wants to tell her that he can't be happy without her. But he knows that he missed his chance. He curses himself for letting the woman he loves walk out of his life as a single tear lands on her parting message.

"_I've lost my soul_" Her words sends a shiver up his spine. Because he never really moved on. He just learned to survive. He knows that she's lost her soul because of him. And there's nothing he can do to fix that.

He doesn't know where he is going, but he grabs his coat and walks outside. He walks and tries not to shed another tear. He reminds himself that her leaving was partly his fault. He doesn't know how he got there, but he ends up at the pier. Their pier. It's deserted now, being almost midnight.

Then he sees a lone figure standing there, her hair blowing in the breeze.

"Sydney?" His voice is hoarse. "I thought…"

"I knew you'd come." Is her only reply. She doesn't turn to face him, doesn't offer an explanation.

He takes a few steps closer to her before her sweet voice pierces the air. "My final request is… don't follow me and don't try to find me." She repeats the words she wrote in the letter.

He stands there confused. But then he realizes what she intends to do. His heartbeat quickens as he rushes forward to try and save her. But he is too late.

She doesn't scream. She just falls back over the railing with an eerie look of peace etched on her face. The only sound that he can hear is his own scream. He watches helplessly as his beloved plunges to her death. She barely makes a splash in the water and he expects her to break the surface. But she doesn't. Minutes pass but still he doesn't want to admit the obvious. She is gone.

He is frozen. He cannot move. He cannot breath. He can barely think. His fragile heart, that he carefully tired to mend, has once again been ripped apart. He feels like his soul died with her.

And he cannot take it. He braces the railing and prepares to take the same fateful plunge, to either rescue her or join her.

But he can't do it. He has a pregnant wife at home. He has his mother, his friends, and his job. He can't leave them.

And she didn't want him to follow.

So instead, his shaky hand reaches for his cell phone.

He quickly dials the 3 digits. The operator answers. He opens his mouth to speak but the only sound he produces is a pitiful sob. It is then that he realizes he is crying. The man on the other end of the phone asks him to state his emergency.

He can't do it. He can't disobey her last wish. And he already knows it's too late. She's gone. There is nothing they can do. So he hangs up the phone, and hangs his head in his own cowardliness.

He walks. And he cries. He remembers the sweet memories they made together. He walks to the bluffs, the palisades, the observatory, and the train station. All the places she had loved. The places that she would go when she had wanted to disappear. His hope was that it would calm him, but it did exactly the opposite. It triggers the many memories. His breathing becomes shallow and people cast him worried looks. Some even stop and ask him if he is all right. But he could only manage to nod his head, gasp for breath, and stagger away.

He walks to where her old apartment was. He remembers what it was like that day. The day her house had burned down and his life was changed drastically. What he had felt that day was exactly how he was feeling right now. There is a new building in place of her old apartment. A new home. There is a small family out in the yard. A woman and her husband were watching their baby girl and their dog run around on the lawn. There is even a white picket fence. He sobs even more at this sight. That should have been them. They should have been happy together, married, with a child, and out of the spy life.

He was going to marry her. He had the ring and everything was planned out. But he was too late. She had been taken away from him. Just like today. He had been too late.

He continues to walk and finds himself at the foot of her best friend's grave. He used to visit Francie's grave, although she was a woman he never truly knew. It made him feel close to her, being near someone she had loved so much.

And also because she didn't have a grave. They had cremated her. He had spread her ashes at sea. The sea. She was there now, floating lifelessly in the ocean. He tried to erase the image from his mind and continued to walk.

Then another grave caught his attention as the rain slowly comes down. Her dead fiancé's grave. It was so unfair for her to lose so many people she loved. He knows she loved him. Even though she never said it, he knows. He loved her. He still does.

He looks at the grave and he speaks. "Danny, I'm so sorry. I lost her. I couldn't protect her. I just gave up." He doesn't know why he is saying this but just continues. "I loved her so much, but I guess I can't have her anymore. So, Danny, I want you to take care of her. I want you to watch over her. Be her guardian angel now that I can't." He falls apart at his last words and lets go of the last tether to sanity he possessed.

He collapses. He pounds his fists on the ground. The skies have darkened and it begins to rain harder. "Why did you have to leave me?" He screams out in agony. "Why did you have to make me lose you twice? Wasn't it enough to have to bury you once? Why did you have to torture me? I know I was wrong to give up. I know I should have waited. Why have you done this to me?" he continues to scream out questions to her, a passerby stares at him with pity. His throat is now sore from the effort, but he continues to scream, the pain reminding him that he is alive. "Why… why Sydney." He whispers minutes later. "I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…"

"I love you!" He shouts one last time to the heavens, hoping that she has heard him, and that she had forgiven him for his mistakes.

And that is all he can say, because he knows that he has failed in taking away her pain. He has failed in being there for her when she needed him most. He failed. He has failed her.

He slowly stands up, his whole body shaking from the effort. His cloths are muddy from the rain, his vision blurred by his own tears more than mother nature. Once more, his heart is broken and his soul is gone. Once more, he has lost the very oxygen to his life.

He cannot go home to his wife like this. He just cannot face her.

He walks to the only place he can think of where he can be alone and gather his composure.

He pushes the gate of the warehouse open and sits on the old crate. He remembers their many clandestine meetings here. He remembers the tears she shed, the frustration he felt, and the joy they had shared. The feelings of loss and grief overtake his body and he rests his head against the wall, trying to steady his breathing.

When he feels calm enough, he calls his best friend.

"She's gone." He says when Eric picks up the phone.

"What? Vaughn?" Eric says confused.

"She's gone, Eric. She jumped. I tried to stop her but I was to late. She asked me not to follow her. She doesn't want me to look for her. So, I couldn't call the police. I know I should have but I just didn't." he said, his voice hoarse from the screaming.

"Are you talking about Sydney?" Eric asks.

"Who else would I be talking about?" He snaps. He apologizes and then falls silent.

"Where are you?" Eric asks after a minute of silence. He doesn't reply. "Vaughn where are you?" Eric asks with more force.

"The warehouse." He finally mutterers.

He hears the click and knows that his best friend is on the way.

He fingers the gun in his holster. He takes it out and examines it. What would it feel like, to pull the trigger? He thinks. What would it feel like to face death? He wants so desperately to be with his beloved. Would death really be worse than living a life like this? Is death worse than living a lie?

The minutes pass as he just stares at the gun in his hands.

Footsteps grow louder and louder but it doesn't register in his brain.

He slowly lifts the gun to his head. He places his finger on the trigger. He closes his eyes and takes his final, shaky breath.

"So we can both be happy, Sydney." He whispers.

And finally, a gunshot rings through the air.

It is done.

ooooo

So what do you guys think? More?


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